Setting Boundaries With An Addicted Loved One

Setting boundaries is one of the most difficult challenges families face when supporting a loved one with a substance use issue.

Today I'm sharing a video that comes straight out of my RehabWorks Family Education Program—a tool designed to help families restore balance and begin moving toward recovery.

(Click image at top of page to watch video 👆)

In Control? Or Just Controlling?

The video begins by pointing out the differences in control dynamics depending on whether the substance user is a minor or an adult:

▸ Parents of minor children are responsible for their welfare—they need to be in control.
▸ Spouses or parents of adult children can’t control their recovery, so boundaries become a matter of self-care:

What do I deserve in this relationship?
How do I deserve to be treated?

“Controlling your child is being responsible. Controlling your spouse is… well, controlling.”

 

For parents of adult children, two things need to be considered:

1. Their child’s age

2. Their child’s level of independence

Dealing with a 19-year-old failure-to-launch scenario is very different from navigating a 30-year-old who’s married with their own family.

The video closes with a concept I call The Paradox Of Intervention And Control:

a. You can’t control your loved one’s recovery.
b. You can control your own recovery.
c. Doing what you need to do for your own recovery often becomes the most powerful way to support your loved one’s recovery.

Why Is It Our Problem?

It's not uncommon for families to be skeptical when they are encouraged to participate in their loved one's treatment, especially when it's suggested that they need to be in recovery also. "It's not my problem—why do I need to be in recovery from?!"

Here's where it's so important to be able to help the family understand what going on when addiction occurs with a loved one. Because what happens in the addictive family system is sort of like the story of the frogs boiling in a pot of water, and not realizing what's happening before it's too late.

With addiction, family members don’t realize how their behavior adapts over time to maintain balance within the system—despite the fact that it’s becoming increasingly dysfunctional. That’s where terms like “walking on eggshells,” or “don’t rock the boat” become painfully familiar. Some become enmeshed and become enablers, some detach and create an air of anger and shame. And anything in between.

Recognizing how the family has changed over time in a way that has actually allowed the problem to continue and changing this dynamic would be what we're referring to as "recovery" for the family. Restoring family balance begins with learning how set healthy boundaries. And as is mentioned above, the family working towards their own recovery ends up being the most helpful thing they can do to support their loved one's recovery. 

RESOURCES

If this resonates with you and you'd like some more support, I have a number of resources that you will find helpful. 

FREE GUIDE: 5 Steps To Family Recovery: From Codependency To Peace Of Mind

FREE WEBINAR: Setting Boundaries In The Addictive Family System 

FAMILY SUPPORT: RehabWorks Family Support Program

 TREATMENT PROVIDERS: Looking to strengthen your family engagement efforts? Learn how RehabWorks can support your treatment programming. LEARN MORE